I am sure a politician’s favorite saying is, “You can never have too many friends.” In a sense I can agree with that, but there is another saying which also rings true of the politician, “With friends like you, who needs enemies.” I know there are some who really want to help, but let’s be honest, how many more laws do we really need, especially when we can’t fully police the laws we already have. Then you have the lawyers in our legal system who have twisted things to unrecognizable understandings by anyone. Sorry, had to vent.
I am blessed to know quite a few people, and most of them I can call my friend to one degree or another. How many true friends do I have, who are actually concerned about me, I don’t know. I know I have a few, but last Sunday I was blessed with finding out I have one more.
Without going into boring details, I will just say last weekend wasn’t a good weekend for me. Normally I can put on a good face when I am around others, but Sunday, I just didn’t care. Oh, I tried since it was Mother’s Day, but my heart wasn’t in it. When I got to church everyone asks the normal question about how things are going, and I gave my normal answer when things aren’t going very good, by saying “It’s just another day in paradise.” This translates to not worth a s..t.
This works out fine, because I learned a long time ago, most people really only want you to tell them everything is fine, because they don’t want to have to take the time to listen to your problems. They have enough problems of their own, and have no desire to hear about any more. There’s a small part of me that does understand, but only a small part for when they have a problem I am usually lucky enough to hear all about it, but once I have listened, and offered my encouragement, their off and running again, forgetting I understood their problem, because I am going through the same thing myself, but they don’t want to hear about that.
I know some of you are probably saying, “Well if they won’t listen to you when you have a problem, don’t listen to them when they have a problem.” It sounds good in theory, and I tried it once a long time ago back in school. I ended up having teachers tell my parents, I wasn’t very helpful any more, and had a bad attitude. I had to learn the hard way that once you’re labeled a nice guy, you’re cursed to always be the nice guy. I don’t mean to sound cynical, for I have been able to meet some really interesting people because they felt safe to talk with me.
Back to my friend. I called him one and would gladly help him out whenever he needed it, but I will be honest, I didn’t know if it was a two way street. I have learned the hard way you just never know. Out of all of the people I met a church who asked me how I was, he took the time to see through the smoke screen, and asked me about it repeatedly.
Hear was my chance to finally talk about my problems with someone who would listen to me, and guess what happened? I found I didn’t really have anything to say. My problems weren’t anything anyone could fix, or that needed to be fixed. Just the thought of having someone who was truly willing to listen to me, encouraged me, and that was all I needed. It was just nice to be noticed.
With the hustle and bustle of life which keeps increasing with every passing minute of the clock, it seems to be getting harder and harder to get noticed by others. To get noticed by others it seems you have to really stand out, one way or another, and a lot of the ways people are trying to stand out aren’t healthy. I wonder if we would have all of the problems in the world today, if we would all just take a minute to truly notice someone each day. To ask someone how they are doing, and to go the extra mile to make sure they really are fine. My advice is to start with at least one person a day, and grow it to as many people as you can, and watch the world brighten around you each and every day. My world was truly brightened, because one person went the mile to show they really cared.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Secret to a Happy Marriage
I once heard the true secret to a happy marriage was not to get married at all. Those who have recently gone through an ugly divorce probably would agree with that. Although I can sympathize with those who have had problems, I cannot agree with them. This summer my wife and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary.
I remember when we were going through premarital counseling with the preacher, he said the life expectancy of a marriage back then was only 7 years. He told us we were going to have to work at staying together, and not to take light our responsibilities. My wonderful wife to be, and I listened to him, but neither one of us understood what he was talking about. We had been living in sin (together) for a year when we went through his premarital counseling, and for us the wedding was strictly a formality.
20 years later, nothing has changed for us. Neither one of us understand when people keep telling us you have to work to keep a marriage together. No I am not saying we have never had our disagreements, or full out arguments, but the option of getting a divorce was never, and still isn’t an option. We know in spite of our little differences, we are much better together then we are apart.
I met a couple last fall, who are in their nineties, and they have been married for 70 years. What caught my attention was the way they act around each other. Most people who I have seen who have been together a long time, usually end up just staying together out of duty, but this couple is still happy to be together. This wasn’t just a face put on in front of a stranger, this was real.
I asked them why they thought they had such a good marriage while so many others couldn’t seem to last a couple of years. In one word they agreed it was “trust”. They trusted each other completely, and in everything, without stipulations. They talked about how they trusted each other with money, and not cheating on one another, but the one thing they didn’t say, but was understood, was they trusted each other to stick around when things didn’t go according to plan, or hopes. This included when one spouse or the other, on the rare occasion acted human, and hurt the others feelings.
I don’t care who you are, by the time you lost your first baby tooth you’ve had your feelings hurt. It is a natural part of life, just like falling down every now and then and skinning your knee. The question is, are you going to just lay there on the ground crying poor me, and give up on life, or are you going to get up, and try walking again? I know there are times I’ve hurt my wife’s feelings, and when I am made aware of it, I truly feel bad, for I never intend to hurt her, and thankfully she knows this, just as I know she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
The heart of the matter is just that the heart of it. Does the person who hurt your feeling mean to, and if so why? If you just get mad without ever finding out the answers to those questions, you are destined to fail in any relationship. We are all human destined to make mistakes, and sometimes the mistake is thinking two wrongs make a right.
Marriage isn’t about work, it’s about trust. Ultimately before you ever think about marriage you need to ask yourself if you can trust the other’s heart completely. If you can’t you need to ask yourself why. Is it something about the other person, or is it about you? If you got married before you ever answered those questions, you both need to answer the questions right away. If the answer isn’t completely, than you’re going to have to fix it, and because you put the cart before the horse, you might have to actually work at getting trust built up in the relationship. Can it be done, you bet. Is it worth it, without question!
One last thing, if you do have to work at getting things fixed, make the work fun, like building the ultimate sand castle, not like mucking out the barn. This is your chance to really learn about the other person, and for them to learn about you, let the experience be fun, and ongoing.
I remember when we were going through premarital counseling with the preacher, he said the life expectancy of a marriage back then was only 7 years. He told us we were going to have to work at staying together, and not to take light our responsibilities. My wonderful wife to be, and I listened to him, but neither one of us understood what he was talking about. We had been living in sin (together) for a year when we went through his premarital counseling, and for us the wedding was strictly a formality.
20 years later, nothing has changed for us. Neither one of us understand when people keep telling us you have to work to keep a marriage together. No I am not saying we have never had our disagreements, or full out arguments, but the option of getting a divorce was never, and still isn’t an option. We know in spite of our little differences, we are much better together then we are apart.
I met a couple last fall, who are in their nineties, and they have been married for 70 years. What caught my attention was the way they act around each other. Most people who I have seen who have been together a long time, usually end up just staying together out of duty, but this couple is still happy to be together. This wasn’t just a face put on in front of a stranger, this was real.
I asked them why they thought they had such a good marriage while so many others couldn’t seem to last a couple of years. In one word they agreed it was “trust”. They trusted each other completely, and in everything, without stipulations. They talked about how they trusted each other with money, and not cheating on one another, but the one thing they didn’t say, but was understood, was they trusted each other to stick around when things didn’t go according to plan, or hopes. This included when one spouse or the other, on the rare occasion acted human, and hurt the others feelings.
I don’t care who you are, by the time you lost your first baby tooth you’ve had your feelings hurt. It is a natural part of life, just like falling down every now and then and skinning your knee. The question is, are you going to just lay there on the ground crying poor me, and give up on life, or are you going to get up, and try walking again? I know there are times I’ve hurt my wife’s feelings, and when I am made aware of it, I truly feel bad, for I never intend to hurt her, and thankfully she knows this, just as I know she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
The heart of the matter is just that the heart of it. Does the person who hurt your feeling mean to, and if so why? If you just get mad without ever finding out the answers to those questions, you are destined to fail in any relationship. We are all human destined to make mistakes, and sometimes the mistake is thinking two wrongs make a right.
Marriage isn’t about work, it’s about trust. Ultimately before you ever think about marriage you need to ask yourself if you can trust the other’s heart completely. If you can’t you need to ask yourself why. Is it something about the other person, or is it about you? If you got married before you ever answered those questions, you both need to answer the questions right away. If the answer isn’t completely, than you’re going to have to fix it, and because you put the cart before the horse, you might have to actually work at getting trust built up in the relationship. Can it be done, you bet. Is it worth it, without question!
One last thing, if you do have to work at getting things fixed, make the work fun, like building the ultimate sand castle, not like mucking out the barn. This is your chance to really learn about the other person, and for them to learn about you, let the experience be fun, and ongoing.
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