Secret to a Happy Marriage

I once heard the true secret to a happy marriage was not to get married at all. Those who have recently gone through an ugly divorce probably would agree with that. Although I can sympathize with those who have had problems, I cannot agree with them. This summer my wife and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary.

I remember when we were going through premarital counseling with the preacher, he said the life expectancy of a marriage back then was only 7 years. He told us we were going to have to work at staying together, and not to take light our responsibilities. My wonderful wife to be, and I listened to him, but neither one of us understood what he was talking about. We had been living in sin (together) for a year when we went through his premarital counseling, and for us the wedding was strictly a formality.

20 years later, nothing has changed for us. Neither one of us understand when people keep telling us you have to work to keep a marriage together. No I am not saying we have never had our disagreements, or full out arguments, but the option of getting a divorce was never, and still isn’t an option. We know in spite of our little differences, we are much better together then we are apart.

I met a couple last fall, who are in their nineties, and they have been married for 70 years. What caught my attention was the way they act around each other. Most people who I have seen who have been together a long time, usually end up just staying together out of duty, but this couple is still happy to be together. This wasn’t just a face put on in front of a stranger, this was real.
I asked them why they thought they had such a good marriage while so many others couldn’t seem to last a couple of years. In one word they agreed it was “trust”. They trusted each other completely, and in everything, without stipulations. They talked about how they trusted each other with money, and not cheating on one another, but the one thing they didn’t say, but was understood, was they trusted each other to stick around when things didn’t go according to plan, or hopes. This included when one spouse or the other, on the rare occasion acted human, and hurt the others feelings.

I don’t care who you are, by the time you lost your first baby tooth you’ve had your feelings hurt. It is a natural part of life, just like falling down every now and then and skinning your knee. The question is, are you going to just lay there on the ground crying poor me, and give up on life, or are you going to get up, and try walking again? I know there are times I’ve hurt my wife’s feelings, and when I am made aware of it, I truly feel bad, for I never intend to hurt her, and thankfully she knows this, just as I know she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings.

The heart of the matter is just that the heart of it. Does the person who hurt your feeling mean to, and if so why? If you just get mad without ever finding out the answers to those questions, you are destined to fail in any relationship. We are all human destined to make mistakes, and sometimes the mistake is thinking two wrongs make a right.

Marriage isn’t about work, it’s about trust. Ultimately before you ever think about marriage you need to ask yourself if you can trust the other’s heart completely. If you can’t you need to ask yourself why. Is it something about the other person, or is it about you? If you got married before you ever answered those questions, you both need to answer the questions right away. If the answer isn’t completely, than you’re going to have to fix it, and because you put the cart before the horse, you might have to actually work at getting trust built up in the relationship. Can it be done, you bet. Is it worth it, without question!

One last thing, if you do have to work at getting things fixed, make the work fun, like building the ultimate sand castle, not like mucking out the barn. This is your chance to really learn about the other person, and for them to learn about you, let the experience be fun, and ongoing.